• 16Feb

  Dawning of a new age

  My Journey No Comments

  Today we begin again. The blog has been cleared and the b2evolution era officially begins. I am moving into a realm of new content management and further control.

  For those of you who have been following along at home, send me an email or leave a comment if you’d like a user account. I’m going to have a public and private presence now. There will be posts only I can see, posts only those with logins can see, and posts that are available to everyone who visits.

  I hope to get the WordPress posts back sometime over the next week, depending on what happens with SIT and a trip to Indy for Initech.

  Welcome to JasonGaunt.Com V2006. I hope you have as much fun this year as I do.

• 21Nov

  I have been chosen

  My Journey No Comments

  I’ve been spacing in and out lately. I have days where I am really “into” my whole Journey and growth. It is on these days I get fired up reading Eric McManus, I find myself listening to Ed Young radio online at work. I seek things of a spiritual nature. I’d like to tell you that these days are the norm, but they remain exceptions to the norm.

  Much like the kid Bill Murray rescues each day in Groundhog Day, I find more often than not that I am concentrating on the here and now. The honest truth of the matter is that most days I’m just *here*, I’m not even concentrating on the here and now. I’m going somewhere with this. I think it might be a winding road though, so forgive me.

  Last night we were discussing how we aren’t thankful for the everyday miracles and blessing we are granted. I was struck by how often I am truly thankful only for finally getting over an illness, or the occasional beautiful Michigan day. I am never thankful on my ride to work in the morning. I’ve even had that internal dialog before, as I’m fuming mad about something stupid on the highway. I’ve had the “name something you are thankful for” discussion with myself. The response usually comes back as “I’m thankful this jack@$$ just moved out of my way” or something else equally inappropriate.

  The point Jason, get to the point. Rambling, listening to “Tequila Loves Me”. Stay on target! Stay on target!

  Anyway, I have been struck the last couple of Sunday nights with the song that has the lyrics “Remember you did not choose me, no I have chosen you”. I think this is the song with “In my father’s house there are many rooms” but I’m not sure. It’s powerful stuff. I did not choose Him, he has already chosen Me. Wow! I’d heard it before, but it is sticking with me right now. I’m not sure why, but it is finally registering. Whether I let Him be Lord in my life or not, he has still chosen me.

  I think the difficulty for me is in knowing that I am letting Him be Lord. How do I do this? When do I know I’m letting Him be in control? Is there a difference between Thankfulness and Gratitude? If so, I think you have to be more than just Thankful. You have to be Grateful. I’m beginning to wonder if this is where I am stopping or stalling. Am I not truly Thankful or Grateful for what He did for me? Or have I not even reached the point of brokenness? Nah! I’m pretty sure we’re all broken. I don’t think that is the issue.

  See, the thing with me is I keep expecting a 12 step program. I want instructions. On the one hand, I’ve got them. On the other, I don’t need them. The 12 steps start and end with “Let Go”. In giving everything up, and being grateful for the loss of the burden, everything will be returned 10 fold. See…I even typed that but is it Me or just me typing what I *should* type? The danger in having an audience is that I question sometimes if I am typing how I feel, or what I think you want to hear.

  I’m hoping, since the keys never really stop typing, that this is all raw and real and me. If it isn’t, you have to call me on it.

  It is basically the Holiday Season this week. I hope this Holiday Season has new meaning for me. I hope that the greatest gift will not go unopened another year. He chose me, I didn’t choose him. Man, that still blows my mind.

  The tropics are calling. I hear the boat drinks being blended. Have a good night all, I’m off to dream of sand, palm trees and digital cartographers…

• 21Nov

  Something to say

  My Journey No Comments

  There’s something here, just below the surface. It is trying to make it out, but I’m blocking it. I’m not entirely sure what it is yet. I’m also not entirely sure what is holding it back. Well, I know what. I’m holding it back. I’m just not sure how. I’ll claim I’m tired, I’ll blame the tv, I might even blame the pop I’m drinking.

  Maybe I need an adult beverage. Maybe that would clear my head and let the voices in my head flow out. See, that’s the thing I’ve always liked about this. To me, a blog is not an eloquent place to wax philosophic (even though I tend to do that a lot). To me, this is cheap therapy. A place where I can pour out all the stuff I keep bottled up inside.

  Be prepared. I know I’ve got *something* to say. I’m just not sure what it is yet.

• 19Nov

  What is your quest?

  My Journey No Comments

  I’m posting this over on the b2evolution portion of the site because I don’t think I want everyone reading this just yet. I’m not sure why I feel the need to post this, but I’ve almost written this three times since Thursday. I think it is time to get this out, and then forget about it.

  Sometimes we lose our way. Something that starts as meaningful, constructive and an opportunity to grow gradually ceases to function in that capacity. We (for whatever our reasons) often don’t want to then end whatever it is that isn’t being what it was created to be. I liken it to a weekly status meeting that continues to happen for a product that has been retired. We have a tendency to keep the status meeting going, until all participants have *new* status meetings to go to on other products. Why don’t we just cancel the status meeting regardless?

  I don’t mean to come off sounding overly harsh. I’m just having a hard time eloquently stating what I feel. Sometimes though one story has to end before a new story can begin.

  Maybe we have to wipe the slate clean and then draw up new plays, instead of waiting for the new play to replace the old plays. Maybe for something new to live, something old must die? Maybe I’m smoking crack and I need to lay off the sugar and caffeine…

  What is your quest?

• 08Nov

  The (false) Power of the Dark Side

  My Journey No Comments

  “Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side.”

  Yoda: Yes, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan’s apprentice.

  Luke: Vader… Is the dark side stronger?

  Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.

  Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?

  Yoda: You will know… when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

  A Journey via the Force, powered by Lucas? No. Not really. More a long dormant desire to share a feeling. Something I “learned that I must unlearn”. Not really hate. Sometimes anger. The problem I’ve dealt with is bitterness, brokenness and how the two can be connected.

  I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life (specifically for the last 7 or 8 years for those keeping score at Initech) living in a world clouded by pessimism. I like to sugar coat it. I like to call it realism. I like to convince myself that I’m not a “glass is half empty” guy. The unfortunate false truth I was believing was in the power of bitterness. The power of pessimism. I’d even say out loud “I’d rather keep my expectations low and be pleasantly surprised”. What kind of LIFE is that? A series of low valleys with the occasional *shocker* peak?

  Now, I’m not abdicating my right to be a sane voice in an Initech wilderness full of rose colored glasses wearing, smoke blowing ID10Ts. I firmly believe we have the right to be realistic, but NOT at the expense of Hope. Not at the expense of drive. Not at the expense of Passion and Desire for positive changes.

  See, the problem is I believed in some form of delusional power in my bitterness. I didn’t really realize this was brokenness. I have had issues with this in the past, in the Religious realm. I just couldn’t understand how you could be broken and then everything would just be all better. Now I realize it doesn’t work that way. I’ve been broken on a mental and spiritual level. What I failed to realize is that it takes gratitude to move through the brokenness. It is only through gratitude that we can move beyond the brokenness. When we are grateful we see and experience life with a healthy (keyword) optimism. Note: This is not foolish optimism, nor is it blind optimism. It is *healthy* optimism.

  Here’s the paragraph that blew me away. This shook me from my belief that there was true power in bitterness. Again, this is from Uprising by Erwin McManus…get your copy today!

  “For in the same way that gratitude leads to wholeness, bitterness will leave us shattered and broken.”
  …snip…
  “Bitterness creates an illusion of control and power. Bitterness is a form of hate. It is anger facing backwards. When we are embittered toward someone, we hold them prisoner to an experience or action in the past. In our minds bitterness holds him captive and does not allow him to move forward. The reality is that our bitterness traps no one but ourselves.”

  I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I also don’t want to be blindly optimistic. I want to be grateful for what has been given to me. I want to appreciate what I have and know that it is OKAY to desire things and have passion, so long as the focus of these passions do not control me. I want to enjoy the present and keep looking toward the future.

  Yodas words ring true:
  “You will know… when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.”

  Just remember, the Jedi were supposedly without passion. We are called to be passionate! Just for the right reasons! Buy the book! Uprising….Erwin McManus….

• 01Nov

  Running Free

  My Journey No Comments

  I guess this semi-relates to what I was trying to express the other night. I borrowed a new book. Another one from Erwin McManus (poor guy is named Erwin). He’s a brilliant writer, and I’d imagine a great speaker as well. This book is entitled Uprising: A revolution of the soul.

  I can only say that I was meant to read this book right now. I’m sure that won’t shock some of you, it does still shock me but in that “man, it is nice to know these things do happen to people” way. I’m not too terribly far along, but I just started it Monday (I was *spent* writing what I wrote previously). In the first chapter, I am reading thoughts I’ve had expressed and published in this book. I’m getting questions answered I’ve wondered for a long time. It *does* seem to me that a lot of mainstream Christianity today is almost preaching that we must give up all desire. We must give up passion. These things are bad. NO! Wrong! Passion for the right things is RIGHT! Passion for God’s purpose is heaven sent!

  I want passion for something! I’m so tired of sitting on the banks watching the river of life flow by. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired (I’m sure I’ve typed that before). Yet what I fail to realize is that my surrendering to the mundane is a choice. I guess deep down we all know this, but it is incredibly liberating to read someone else say the very thing I’ve thought before.

  There is even a good section in the first chapter about the Great Escape. It begins with the statement that some of us are claustrophobic in our own skin. We look in the mirror and don’t like what we see. “What do you do when the very thing that’s suffocating you is the person you’ve become? What do you do when you can’t stand the sight of yourself?”. It hits you that there is a way out, an escape hatch and it isn’t suicide. You’re not ready to give up, but you are ready to surrender. You can’t escape who you are.

  Does that sound familiar? Get this, it is followed by “but you can become someone else”. I DID NOT read this before posting Sunday night. Yet my words are echoed here in a book published in 2003. I was almost shaking as I read this. The words hit home. They are true. I’m finally beginning to understand that true freedom comes through surrender. Why is it so easy to surrender to the mundane, and so difficult to surrender to freedom? True, eternal, life changing freedom…

  Running Free. True desires. Passionate living. All for the taking. All in acceptance and surrender. It may be a broken road, but it is certainly blessed.

• 30Oct

  Who am I?

  My Journey No Comments

  Warning: Mars is close and I am in a mood. I’ll use it as an excuse, but as with all moods mine is a choice. You have been warned.

  I can read, and some people seem to think I can write. I can program, and some people seem to think I can lead. I’ve been told I can influence peoples’ decisions, but this is difficult for me to see. I feel like I’m living a lie. I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Where am I supposed to be? Do I really know?

  Let me back up here, as this is a winding road. Did you dream as a child? Did you envision your adult life? I did. I damn sure did. Believe me, NO DREAM had me where I am today. I sure as hell didn’t believe I’d be 31 years old, living with my sister, earning a decent wage but still scraping by. I don’t know why, but there was always an order. Maybe meet someone in high school (this was always not a high priority). Definitely get a job in High School. Work through college, get a degree that offered careers where I could make a decent wage (I originally intended to become a manager). Find that certain someone in college (or afterward). Get a well paying job that was enjoyable, paid well and if all went well was meaningful. All-in-all, I didn’t want much. I wanted what my parents had, only slightly better. I was going to wait a little longer to have kids. I hoped to see the world and have good savings prior to this.

  Then, then and only then, would religion become important to me. Then, when all my ducks were in a row, I would seek higher spiritual meaning. I always retained my belief that Christ is who he says he is, but I never committed myself to him. My world came first. My dreams. My goals. My desires. Me, me and More Me. Does this make me different from any other human being in history? My guess would be no.

  I now sit here maybe 15-18 years later and I wonder what it all means. I’m finally, finally beginning to understand that I had things backward. I can pray to the Lord, and he will answer but I know now that I am not being the individual I’ve been asked to be. I also know, or am beginning to understand, that I did not choose Him! He chose ME and I’m still struggling with that. He chose me, and all I have to do is let go. Let go! Damn it all, just let go. What the hell is worth hanging on to? Failed dreams? Continued frustration? Continued longing, lust, anxiety, fear, anger, hatred, despair?

  Now, I’m not naive enough to think those things will disappear, but I am beginning to understand the value in letting them go. I don’t have to be in this alone. I always thought I got that about Footprints (the poem). I think that I’ve just been talking the talk though. I haven’t been walking the walk. Why? Fear, partially. I’ve also been confused about what it really means to “die to self”. I always wondered, if God created me in his image, and I am saved by belief in Christ, why do I have to die to me? Aren’t I who he needs? Doesn’t he want me?

  I got really confused by this one time at CCC. Someone gave the whatever prior to Communion (the Communion meditation?) and said our dreams were no good. We must give up our dreams to accept Christ. This really bothered me. Were not my dreams from Christ? Did my Creator not use dreams to express his desire? I think now I understand that some of my dreams ARE from Him. Some though, were simply mine and incredibly selfish. Can I give them up? Am I willing to truly, really, honestly have Christ as the A#1 in my life? Before even me?

  This is where I stand. On the precipice, a man of my word, who truly wants his word to be his bond. Funny….Collin Raye song….playing right now.

  “I’m a man of my word. I mean what I say. My pledge is my bond, that’s just my way. When you’ve made a promise to someone whose gone, well that’s when forever seems a little to long. I’m a man of my word, and I made you a vow. I swore that I’d love you and I can’t change that now. They tell me I’m free to find someone new, I just don’t have the heart ’cause I gave mine to you. When I said my love would last for all time, and no one would take your place, if that promise was the last sound you heard, well you know I kept it, I’m a man of my word.”

  Here’s the thing. I want to make that vow. Not the love mentioned in this song, it is between a husband and wife (I’m assuming). Yet it fits part of my confusion. Can I give my word, knowing full well that I am human and that there are days I will NOT put Christ first? By the same token, can I NOT?

  It is simply a public acknowledgement of a private truth. Do you believe? Is Christ who he says he is? If the answer to both of those questions is Yes, how can you remain at the simple acknowledgement of this fact? Yet there I sit. Gift in hand, wrapped so beautifully, and I am unwilling to open it. How stupid. How sad. How selfish.

  It is time to decide. Move forward, be a light in the darkness, or succumb to it. Do I believe what I type? I don’t know…that is for you to decide. He knows, and deep down I do too. Am I kidding myself? Am I kidding you? Are my dreams and my desires worth giving up eternity? The simple answer is “Hell No” (no pun intended). Maybe the question is “Who will I be?” and not “Who am I?”….

  I’m standing on a precipice…

• 17Oct

  RPMs the engines revving

  My Journey, The Voices in my Head No Comments

  I’m caught somewhere between Lost, longing, love and lust. My engines racing and I’m trying to figure out if it is healthy. I have all of this advice and knowledge bopping around in my head. I have recent messages I’ve listened to on line from Ed Young on Recognizing Potential Mates, noticing (and paying attention to) God’s signs. I’ve got books on “Why I gave up dating”.

  I claim I’m searching, then I claim I’ve stopped looking. I have people push me into situations that I then thank them for, I’m just a confused mess. What am I rambling on about? Should I even be posting this publicly? I don’t know, but I know most of you don’t know the b2e section of my site exists yet. I really think I need to get this off my chest. I need to brain dump.

  See, there’s this girl I like. There, I said it. I’ll admit, I’m “fishing off the company pier” but I’m doing so at my pace. Now some are nice enough to suggest baby steps to proceed. Others, quite frankly, are telling me to get off my ass and ask the girl out.

  Me? I’m still trying to decide if I really like this girl, or if I’m just lusting after a pretty girl who is nice enough to humor me during the day. I honestly think it isn’t lust though, at least not mostly. I mean, honestly I’m a single guy and I fight with lust on more fronts than just talking to my female friend at work. Have you seen the commercials on TV? How about some of the freaking ads on the Internet? How about some of the nasty, creepy, scary places on the Internet?

  But I’m trying to throw you off the trail again. I’m dodging the question. I like this girl a lot. She is quite attractive. She is very smart. She likes Lost. She is a geek, if I may say so. She is at least accepting of geeks as she is a Ren Faire geek herself.

  I’ll admit it. I used Lost as an in. Just to see if we had anything else in common. A weekly Lost e-mail has grown to be generally several e mails each day. In fact, I even got an email from her over the weekend. So why am I sharing this? Ya know, I’m not entirely sure. I’m just trying to wrap my own head around my feelings. I’m hoping this isn’t me being stupid, but I also don’t want to let my brain do the typical “imagine if we were married” thing. I’m sick in the head that way. I leap ahead to “two years from now” and never even make the first move!!!!

  Perhaps Robert is right. Perhaps Dave is right. Perhaps what I’m looking for will find me when I stop looking for it. It is just hard for me. I’m 30. I’m alone. I don’t want to be the unmarried guy in my family anymore, but I also don’t want to settle for the first thing that comes along.

  But I have to put myself out there and make myself available if there is every going to even be a first thing that comes along. I told you I was messed up. I need to leave this here for now. I don’t know where else to go. I just hope I don’t do anything stupid, but I hope I DO do SOMETHING!

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