It is an odd day. My parents are down for the weekend, not really to visit but because my Dad has a table at the Kalamazoo Living History Fair. I don’t mind this, it has been a yearly occurence for as long as I can remember. They’ve been staying with us in Paw Paw for at least the last 8 years.

The weekend makes for a good opportunity to eat out (usually Friday and Saturday nights) but by the time they all return from the show (Sat. 9-5, Sun 9-4) everyone is rather tired. I used to go in each day, to at least spend a few hours. I always felt this was my duty as the good son, but this year I’m not even inclined to do that.

I hope this doesn’t make me a bad person, but I’ve moved to a point in my life where I don’t feel like being the person I’m expected to be. The friendships they have in the Living History community do not know me. They never knew me. They knew my reenacting mask. The me that I am trying very hard to divest myself of. The shy me, the quiet me, the me that stays home alone for 18 years of his life on Friday nights.

The really sad thing is that I found myself wearing that same mask tonight at dinner. I *was not* being me. So, I took the opportunity to have a few adult beverages and play at the me I can sort of be to them after having a beer or two. All the while I was wishing I was somewhere else. Is that wrong?

I don’t know. I know it is hard to swallow, and I know I’m sorry I’m not really visiting with them this weekend. I’m not too sad though, because that isn’t the point of the visit. They aren’t down to visit, they are down to do business. When I consider this, I feel less bad. Still, I know my Dad is probably disappointed. I suppose I should visit tomorrow just to make him happy, but I don’t think I will. I’m kind of past the point in my life where I feel the need to do that. I don’t mean to sound selfish, but even with family it gets old being someone you aren’t.

I’m just glad I have this, because I really don’t know what else I would do with these thoughts. If it wasn’t for here, I’d be bottling things up again and driving myself back into my shell. I’m tired of being a turtle. I’m tired of masks. I want to live…

Hace mucho tiempo, en una galaxia muy, muy lejana

Episodio IV - Una Nueva Esperanza

Because Star Wars in Spanish is FUN for the WHOLE FAMILY!

Muy Bien!

Comandante destroce esta nave hasta que encuentre esos planes y traigame a los pasajeros los quieros vivos!

Encuentro su carencia de disturbar de la fe

Yes, I am a giant dork! And *THAT* is why you read my blog…

Because I heard this on Club 977 on iTunes radio and I liked it.

Life ain’t always beautiful
Sometimes it’s just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart

Life ain’t always beautiful
You think you’re on your way
And it’s just a dead end road at the end of the day

But the struggle makes you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has it’s own way of takin’ its sweet time

[chorus]
No,life ain’t always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain’t always beautiful
But it’s a beautiful ride

“I’ve had myself some friends…
I’d like to sail away.
Dance across the mountains on the moon.
Talk of poems and prayers and promises.
Things that we believe in.”
- John Denver

I don’t know why, but the imagery in this song reflects where I am right now. Reflecting on what has been done, what is yet to be. I have seen a lot of sunshine, I’ve slept out in the rain and I’ve spent a night or two all on my own. How sweet it is to love someone, how right it is to care. How long it’s been since yesterday, what about tomorrow? What about our dreams? All the memories we share.

I’m there, right now in so many ways…I would *love* to sail way (it has been a DAY at Initech, let me tell you). And given the option I’d even dance across the mountains on the moon. I’m in a confused, exciting and frustraing place again. Work is simply a thorn in my side at the moment. We simply CAN NOT manage a release. For those looking for a comparison, imagine a release as the release of a movie (say King Kong just because it came to mind).

We’ve shot the footage, we’ve been on location, we’ve added the special effects and edited the movie. Heck, we’ve even screened it to several experts in the field (Ebert gave it a thumbs up). But two days before the theatrical release we’ve decided to change the plot. We want the old claymation ape, and now the movie ends with Kong ruling over NYC.

This all leads to a very frustrated actor, or maybe I’m more along the lines of a cameraman. I don’t really know. I do know we don’t have direction, and there sure as hell isn’t an overriding creative vision.

So I retreat to music, I think about how long it has been since yesterday. I wonder what tomorrow will bring. I cling to the hope of a brighter future and try to find some dream that I believe in, that I can strive for, to give work a purpose. Simply cashing a check is no longer good enough. Perhaps the goal is sailing away…Maybe St. Lucia is calling me again…

You’re feeling pretty darned restless, aren’t you? Like something is about to happen? Well, you’re right, but you can’t push it along to make it happen any faster, and you can’t drag your heels and make it stop — so don’t even try. In fact, rather than sitting there and tapping on the coffee table or trying to find a television program that’s tolerable, get yourself dressed and go out. All you can do at this point is wait, anyway.