I’ve been spacing in and out lately. I have days where I am really “into” my whole Journey and growth. It is on these days I get fired up reading Eric McManus, I find myself listening to Ed Young radio online at work. I seek things of a spiritual nature. I’d like to tell you that these days are the norm, but they remain exceptions to the norm.

Much like the kid Bill Murray rescues each day in Groundhog Day, I find more often than not that I am concentrating on the here and now. The honest truth of the matter is that most days I’m just *here*, I’m not even concentrating on the here and now. I’m going somewhere with this. I think it might be a winding road though, so forgive me.

Last night we were discussing how we aren’t thankful for the everyday miracles and blessing we are granted. I was struck by how often I am truly thankful only for finally getting over an illness, or the occasional beautiful Michigan day. I am never thankful on my ride to work in the morning. I’ve even had that internal dialog before, as I’m fuming mad about something stupid on the highway. I’ve had the “name something you are thankful for” discussion with myself. The response usually comes back as “I’m thankful this jack@$$ just moved out of my way” or something else equally inappropriate.

The point Jason, get to the point. Rambling, listening to “Tequila Loves Me”. Stay on target! Stay on target!

Anyway, I have been struck the last couple of Sunday nights with the song that has the lyrics “Remember you did not choose me, no I have chosen you”. I think this is the song with “In my father’s house there are many rooms” but I’m not sure. It’s powerful stuff. I did not choose Him, he has already chosen Me. Wow! I’d heard it before, but it is sticking with me right now. I’m not sure why, but it is finally registering. Whether I let Him be Lord in my life or not, he has still chosen me.

I think the difficulty for me is in knowing that I am letting Him be Lord. How do I do this? When do I know I’m letting Him be in control? Is there a difference between Thankfulness and Gratitude? If so, I think you have to be more than just Thankful. You have to be Grateful. I’m beginning to wonder if this is where I am stopping or stalling. Am I not truly Thankful or Grateful for what He did for me? Or have I not even reached the point of brokenness? Nah! I’m pretty sure we’re all broken. I don’t think that is the issue.

See, the thing with me is I keep expecting a 12 step program. I want instructions. On the one hand, I’ve got them. On the other, I don’t need them. The 12 steps start and end with “Let Go”. In giving everything up, and being grateful for the loss of the burden, everything will be returned 10 fold. See…I even typed that but is it Me or just me typing what I *should* type? The danger in having an audience is that I question sometimes if I am typing how I feel, or what I think you want to hear.

I’m hoping, since the keys never really stop typing, that this is all raw and real and me. If it isn’t, you have to call me on it.

It is basically the Holiday Season this week. I hope this Holiday Season has new meaning for me. I hope that the greatest gift will not go unopened another year. He chose me, I didn’t choose him. Man, that still blows my mind.

The tropics are calling. I hear the boat drinks being blended. Have a good night all, I’m off to dream of sand, palm trees and digital cartographers…

Well, I screwed up. LRHG wound up going to HP4 *alone* on Sunday. I didn’t ask what time she went, I am pretty sure it was probably in the afternoon. How depressing. I screwed that up, and I didn’t even offer to take her to see Walk the Line tonight. I should ask if she’d like to see it tomorrow night, but I think she has Mary Kay.

The bad thing is that I don’t yet get the subtle relationship queues. Like Friday, she asked me what time I could go to the movie on Sunday. The *smart* answer would have been “What time is good for you” but I’m not quite that quick on my feet yet. I need to think beyond my needs and place her first. Wow! Does that sound similar to other areas of my life. It is tough being 31 and single, I’ve grown into an incredibly selfish adult.

I did convince her to come over to my work area today and check out my uber-cool Palm Tree. She approved and said my whole are was “fun”. I hope that’s a good thing, I took it as that (but then she was smiling and that in general just gets to me). Ah, little red headed girl…just the thought of you makes me giddy…

Man, I’m lame tonight. I think I might just be jabbering in a blog. Is that even possible?

Mad Props to Heidi and Tom for getting me my very own artificial Palm Tree Christmas Tree for Christmas! I need to take some pictures of my cage…er…work area at Initech and post them here. It is quite an awesome site, standing six feet tall and decorated throughout with white lights.

I’ve got my six Palm Tree photos hanging, my big poster of the hammock strung between the palms, and my Palm Tree. All I need now is the tiki bar, a blender, and some white sand and my work area is *almost* hospitable!

I would really like to go walkabout in the tropics this Winter. I think it would do my soul some good to finally use my License to Chill.

If I remember to borrow a digital camera, and *if* I can figure out how to upload pictures, I’ll try to post some tomorrow.

There’s something here, just below the surface. It is trying to make it out, but I’m blocking it. I’m not entirely sure what it is yet. I’m also not entirely sure what is holding it back. Well, I know what. I’m holding it back. I’m just not sure how. I’ll claim I’m tired, I’ll blame the tv, I might even blame the pop I’m drinking.

Maybe I need an adult beverage. Maybe that would clear my head and let the voices in my head flow out. See, that’s the thing I’ve always liked about this. To me, a blog is not an eloquent place to wax philosophic (even though I tend to do that a lot). To me, this is cheap therapy. A place where I can pour out all the stuff I keep bottled up inside.

Be prepared. I know I’ve got *something* to say. I’m just not sure what it is yet.

It is Harry Potter weekend at the movie theater. Book 4 - The Goblet of Fire debuts on the big screen. I was very excited about this and decided to share my enthusiasm with TLRHG (I’m tired of spelling it, and I prefer this to a single letter). If you don’t know what it stands for, think Charlie Brown and check the title of the post.

We were exchanging emails, as we often do throughout the course of the day, and I asked her about weekend plans. She explained that she had hoped to see HP4 on the IMAX with her friends in Lansing on Sunday. Unfortunately, they could only do the early show and she could only do the late show. I fished for more information and then finally decide to roll the dice. I asked if I could take her to see HP4 on Sunday, if she hadn’t already seen it with her friends by then. To make a long story short, we aren’t going to see it tomorrow. However, the *great* news in my book is that this was due to scheduling conflicts. I most definitely did NOT receive a “No” or “No thanks” or “Thanks, but I’ve got plans”. In fact it is my schedule that is keeping us from seeing HP4 Sunday night.

So I had a roller-coaster afternoon of apprehension, excitement, elation and eventual disappointment. I’m still stoked that I asked though. I am also equally stoked that she didn’t say “No”. I don’t know why, but that is *huge* for me right now.

I just hope she is having fun in Lansing with her friends from home. Me, I’m gonna wind up working part of the day tomorrow like I’ve worked part of the day today. Oh well, welcome to Indiana Settlement time kids. The fun only picks up from here.

I’m posting this over on the b2evolution portion of the site because I don’t think I want everyone reading this just yet. I’m not sure why I feel the need to post this, but I’ve almost written this three times since Thursday. I think it is time to get this out, and then forget about it.

Sometimes we lose our way. Something that starts as meaningful, constructive and an opportunity to grow gradually ceases to function in that capacity. We (for whatever our reasons) often don’t want to then end whatever it is that isn’t being what it was created to be. I liken it to a weekly status meeting that continues to happen for a product that has been retired. We have a tendency to keep the status meeting going, until all participants have *new* status meetings to go to on other products. Why don’t we just cancel the status meeting regardless?

I don’t mean to come off sounding overly harsh. I’m just having a hard time eloquently stating what I feel. Sometimes though one story has to end before a new story can begin.

Maybe we have to wipe the slate clean and then draw up new plays, instead of waiting for the new play to replace the old plays. Maybe for something new to live, something old must die? Maybe I’m smoking crack and I need to lay off the sugar and caffeine…

What is your quest?

Did I ever tell you my Mom called me “Charlie Brown” a lot when I was younger? Heck, she still does on occasion. I don’t mind it so much, but I’ve had a tendency to live Chuck’s life just a bit too much. “Good Ole Charlie Brown” - that would not be me.

I find several Charlie Brown patterns in my life that do repeat though. I almost *always* have a current “little redheaded girl” and darn it if Lucy (my loving Sister) doesn’t continually rip the football out from under me at the last second. Oh how she still delights in that!
I’m 31 years old. Man, that hurts to type. I’m 31 years old and I’m crushing on someone at work. I’ve got my very own little redheaded girl and I’d give anything to get a valentine from her. I am a freaking broken record with this stuff. I think the title of this post should be “Good Grief Charlie Brown!”

Haven’t you had to read this enough? Does it change the fact I’ve got a crush though? Am I too bloody old to have a “crush” on someone? It’s funny, but she makes me happy just by waving “Hello” to me. I giggle when she sends funny emails. I can’t wait to read her comments on Lost. Somebody explain to me why I haven’t asked her out yet. I can’t even tell you. Is it fear? Apathy? Laziness? What is the big deal with LUNCH?

Maybe the Doctor is In. Maybe I should go give her a nickel. She’d probably just convince me to try and kick the football again though…if only Elwood were as wise as Snoopy….

“Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to the Dark Side.”

Yoda: Yes, a Jedi’s strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan’s apprentice.

Luke: Vader… Is the dark side stronger?

Yoda: No, no, no. Quicker, easier, more seductive.

Luke: But how am I to know the good side from the bad?

Yoda: You will know… when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.

A Journey via the Force, powered by Lucas? No. Not really. More a long dormant desire to share a feeling. Something I “learned that I must unlearn”. Not really hate. Sometimes anger. The problem I’ve dealt with is bitterness, brokenness and how the two can be connected.

I’ve spent a good portion of my adult life (specifically for the last 7 or 8 years for those keeping score at Initech) living in a world clouded by pessimism. I like to sugar coat it. I like to call it realism. I like to convince myself that I’m not a “glass is half empty” guy. The unfortunate false truth I was believing was in the power of bitterness. The power of pessimism. I’d even say out loud “I’d rather keep my expectations low and be pleasantly surprised”. What kind of LIFE is that? A series of low valleys with the occasional *shocker* peak?

Now, I’m not abdicating my right to be a sane voice in an Initech wilderness full of rose colored glasses wearing, smoke blowing ID10Ts. I firmly believe we have the right to be realistic, but NOT at the expense of Hope. Not at the expense of drive. Not at the expense of Passion and Desire for positive changes.

See, the problem is I believed in some form of delusional power in my bitterness. I didn’t really realize this was brokenness. I have had issues with this in the past, in the Religious realm. I just couldn’t understand how you could be broken and then everything would just be all better. Now I realize it doesn’t work that way. I’ve been broken on a mental and spiritual level. What I failed to realize is that it takes gratitude to move through the brokenness. It is only through gratitude that we can move beyond the brokenness. When we are grateful we see and experience life with a healthy (keyword) optimism. Note: This is not foolish optimism, nor is it blind optimism. It is *healthy* optimism.

Here’s the paragraph that blew me away. This shook me from my belief that there was true power in bitterness. Again, this is from Uprising by Erwin McManus…get your copy today!

“For in the same way that gratitude leads to wholeness, bitterness will leave us shattered and broken.”
…snip…
“Bitterness creates an illusion of control and power. Bitterness is a form of hate. It is anger facing backwards. When we are embittered toward someone, we hold them prisoner to an experience or action in the past. In our minds bitterness holds him captive and does not allow him to move forward. The reality is that our bitterness traps no one but ourselves.”

I don’t want to be bitter anymore. I also don’t want to be blindly optimistic. I want to be grateful for what has been given to me. I want to appreciate what I have and know that it is OKAY to desire things and have passion, so long as the focus of these passions do not control me. I want to enjoy the present and keep looking toward the future.

Yodas words ring true:
“You will know… when you are calm, at peace, passive. A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack.”

Just remember, the Jedi were supposedly without passion. We are called to be passionate! Just for the right reasons! Buy the book! Uprising….Erwin McManus….

I guess this semi-relates to what I was trying to express the other night. I borrowed a new book. Another one from Erwin McManus (poor guy is named Erwin). He’s a brilliant writer, and I’d imagine a great speaker as well. This book is entitled Uprising: A revolution of the soul.

I can only say that I was meant to read this book right now. I’m sure that won’t shock some of you, it does still shock me but in that “man, it is nice to know these things do happen to people” way. I’m not too terribly far along, but I just started it Monday (I was *spent* writing what I wrote previously). In the first chapter, I am reading thoughts I’ve had expressed and published in this book. I’m getting questions answered I’ve wondered for a long time. It *does* seem to me that a lot of mainstream Christianity today is almost preaching that we must give up all desire. We must give up passion. These things are bad. NO! Wrong! Passion for the right things is RIGHT! Passion for God’s purpose is heaven sent!

I want passion for something! I’m so tired of sitting on the banks watching the river of life flow by. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired (I’m sure I’ve typed that before). Yet what I fail to realize is that my surrendering to the mundane is a choice. I guess deep down we all know this, but it is incredibly liberating to read someone else say the very thing I’ve thought before.

There is even a good section in the first chapter about the Great Escape. It begins with the statement that some of us are claustrophobic in our own skin. We look in the mirror and don’t like what we see. “What do you do when the very thing that’s suffocating you is the person you’ve become? What do you do when you can’t stand the sight of yourself?”. It hits you that there is a way out, an escape hatch and it isn’t suicide. You’re not ready to give up, but you are ready to surrender. You can’t escape who you are.

Does that sound familiar? Get this, it is followed by “but you can become someone else”. I DID NOT read this before posting Sunday night. Yet my words are echoed here in a book published in 2003. I was almost shaking as I read this. The words hit home. They are true. I’m finally beginning to understand that true freedom comes through surrender. Why is it so easy to surrender to the mundane, and so difficult to surrender to freedom? True, eternal, life changing freedom…

Running Free. True desires. Passionate living. All for the taking. All in acceptance and surrender. It may be a broken road, but it is certainly blessed.