Warning: Mars is close and I am in a mood. I’ll use it as an excuse, but as with all moods mine is a choice. You have been warned.

I can read, and some people seem to think I can write. I can program, and some people seem to think I can lead. I’ve been told I can influence peoples’ decisions, but this is difficult for me to see. I feel like I’m living a lie. I feel like I’m not where I’m supposed to be. Where am I supposed to be? Do I really know?

Let me back up here, as this is a winding road. Did you dream as a child? Did you envision your adult life? I did. I damn sure did. Believe me, NO DREAM had me where I am today. I sure as hell didn’t believe I’d be 31 years old, living with my sister, earning a decent wage but still scraping by. I don’t know why, but there was always an order. Maybe meet someone in high school (this was always not a high priority). Definitely get a job in High School. Work through college, get a degree that offered careers where I could make a decent wage (I originally intended to become a manager). Find that certain someone in college (or afterward). Get a well paying job that was enjoyable, paid well and if all went well was meaningful. All-in-all, I didn’t want much. I wanted what my parents had, only slightly better. I was going to wait a little longer to have kids. I hoped to see the world and have good savings prior to this.

Then, then and only then, would religion become important to me. Then, when all my ducks were in a row, I would seek higher spiritual meaning. I always retained my belief that Christ is who he says he is, but I never committed myself to him. My world came first. My dreams. My goals. My desires. Me, me and More Me. Does this make me different from any other human being in history? My guess would be no.

I now sit here maybe 15-18 years later and I wonder what it all means. I’m finally, finally beginning to understand that I had things backward. I can pray to the Lord, and he will answer but I know now that I am not being the individual I’ve been asked to be. I also know, or am beginning to understand, that I did not choose Him! He chose ME and I’m still struggling with that. He chose me, and all I have to do is let go. Let go! Damn it all, just let go. What the hell is worth hanging on to? Failed dreams? Continued frustration? Continued longing, lust, anxiety, fear, anger, hatred, despair?

Now, I’m not naive enough to think those things will disappear, but I am beginning to understand the value in letting them go. I don’t have to be in this alone. I always thought I got that about Footprints (the poem). I think that I’ve just been talking the talk though. I haven’t been walking the walk. Why? Fear, partially. I’ve also been confused about what it really means to “die to self”. I always wondered, if God created me in his image, and I am saved by belief in Christ, why do I have to die to me? Aren’t I who he needs? Doesn’t he want me?

I got really confused by this one time at CCC. Someone gave the whatever prior to Communion (the Communion meditation?) and said our dreams were no good. We must give up our dreams to accept Christ. This really bothered me. Were not my dreams from Christ? Did my Creator not use dreams to express his desire? I think now I understand that some of my dreams ARE from Him. Some though, were simply mine and incredibly selfish. Can I give them up? Am I willing to truly, really, honestly have Christ as the A#1 in my life? Before even me?

This is where I stand. On the precipice, a man of my word, who truly wants his word to be his bond. Funny….Collin Raye song….playing right now.

“I’m a man of my word. I mean what I say. My pledge is my bond, that’s just my way. When you’ve made a promise to someone whose gone, well that’s when forever seems a little to long. I’m a man of my word, and I made you a vow. I swore that I’d love you and I can’t change that now. They tell me I’m free to find someone new, I just don’t have the heart ’cause I gave mine to you. When I said my love would last for all time, and no one would take your place, if that promise was the last sound you heard, well you know I kept it, I’m a man of my word.”

Here’s the thing. I want to make that vow. Not the love mentioned in this song, it is between a husband and wife (I’m assuming). Yet it fits part of my confusion. Can I give my word, knowing full well that I am human and that there are days I will NOT put Christ first? By the same token, can I NOT?

It is simply a public acknowledgement of a private truth. Do you believe? Is Christ who he says he is? If the answer to both of those questions is Yes, how can you remain at the simple acknowledgement of this fact? Yet there I sit. Gift in hand, wrapped so beautifully, and I am unwilling to open it. How stupid. How sad. How selfish.

It is time to decide. Move forward, be a light in the darkness, or succumb to it. Do I believe what I type? I don’t know…that is for you to decide. He knows, and deep down I do too. Am I kidding myself? Am I kidding you? Are my dreams and my desires worth giving up eternity? The simple answer is “Hell No” (no pun intended). Maybe the question is “Who will I be?” and not “Who am I?”….

I’m standing on a precipice…

I need to settle. I’m letting myself get all worked up over a friendship. I hope, I pray, I wish, I may get to the point where I take the risk to see if this can be something more than a friendship. But the perking up when I walk by, the waving and smiling at me, it just gets me going. The RPMs revving for all the wrong (right?) reasons.

These few days in Indy are good for me. I can settle down. I can breath. I can organize my thoughts without the visual stimulation. What am I doing? Should I try and fish off the company pier?

She has my blog now. I was stupid in sending the Lost post to her. I meant to remove all links to my blog, but I failed. The good news is, I’ve got her livejournal now. I read it, it is very amusing but done in that “style” that is just a few years newer than I can handle. Short thoughts. Bursts of thought, written “live” - which I guess makes sense. I just prefer a brain dump to machine-gun bursts of consciousness.

I guess it is just my style. *sigh* *deep breath*

I am tired. Driving all of Indy at night has worn me out. I don’t much care for driving at night. I really don’t care for driving on roads that make Westnedge look like Red Arrow Highway.

I don’t know if I can compete with the ren faire group. I don’t know if she’ll get beyond “work acquaintance” because of this. I hope so though, I think we could have a lot of fun together. I just wish I wasn’t so damn self-conscious. I’m sorry, but I think she can do better than me. I need to grow beyond that and take risks.

blah….I am blogged out….and kind of glad no one is reading the b2e posts yet.

I’m caught somewhere between Lost, longing, love and lust. My engines racing and I’m trying to figure out if it is healthy. I have all of this advice and knowledge bopping around in my head. I have recent messages I’ve listened to on line from Ed Young on Recognizing Potential Mates, noticing (and paying attention to) God’s signs. I’ve got books on “Why I gave up dating”.

I claim I’m searching, then I claim I’ve stopped looking. I have people push me into situations that I then thank them for, I’m just a confused mess. What am I rambling on about? Should I even be posting this publicly? I don’t know, but I know most of you don’t know the b2e section of my site exists yet. I really think I need to get this off my chest. I need to brain dump.

See, there’s this girl I like. There, I said it. I’ll admit, I’m “fishing off the company pier” but I’m doing so at my pace. Now some are nice enough to suggest baby steps to proceed. Others, quite frankly, are telling me to get off my ass and ask the girl out.

Me? I’m still trying to decide if I really like this girl, or if I’m just lusting after a pretty girl who is nice enough to humor me during the day. I honestly think it isn’t lust though, at least not mostly. I mean, honestly I’m a single guy and I fight with lust on more fronts than just talking to my female friend at work. Have you seen the commercials on TV? How about some of the freaking ads on the Internet? How about some of the nasty, creepy, scary places on the Internet?

But I’m trying to throw you off the trail again. I’m dodging the question. I like this girl a lot. She is quite attractive. She is very smart. She likes Lost. She is a geek, if I may say so. She is at least accepting of geeks as she is a Ren Faire geek herself.

I’ll admit it. I used Lost as an in. Just to see if we had anything else in common. A weekly Lost e-mail has grown to be generally several e mails each day. In fact, I even got an email from her over the weekend. So why am I sharing this? Ya know, I’m not entirely sure. I’m just trying to wrap my own head around my feelings. I’m hoping this isn’t me being stupid, but I also don’t want to let my brain do the typical “imagine if we were married” thing. I’m sick in the head that way. I leap ahead to “two years from now” and never even make the first move!!!!

Perhaps Robert is right. Perhaps Dave is right. Perhaps what I’m looking for will find me when I stop looking for it. It is just hard for me. I’m 30. I’m alone. I don’t want to be the unmarried guy in my family anymore, but I also don’t want to settle for the first thing that comes along.

But I have to put myself out there and make myself available if there is every going to even be a first thing that comes along. I told you I was messed up. I need to leave this here for now. I don’t know where else to go. I just hope I don’t do anything stupid, but I hope I DO do SOMETHING!

Well, it is time to give b2evolution a try. My good buddies Tom Crampton and The Rick Morch Show have both moved their respective blogs over to b2e. I’m very interested to learn how this works, and what I can do to customize my space.

Hopefully I can figure out a better way to post private messages, and perhaps messages that I’d share publicly to registered users but not with the anonymous users. For now, I’m keeping my own link called The Old Blue Chair for personal thoughts that I’d like to get out of my head but I don’t exactly want to share with all of you right now.

This ought to be a good location for posts of my personal search for love, my conflicts with lust and just general feelings I have that I need to get out (but am not ready to share with everyone yet).